Steps to Heal Emotional Abuse

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Emotional abuse is the least talked about and most common form of abuse. Unfortunately, much of what is considered normal and acceptable forms of communication are actually abusive in this society.

It has been challenging to define emotional abuse in our society, but internally when we are victim to this behavior, we know that it does not feel good. Sadly, because of this thin cover of acceptance and the inability to define it adequately, many people may not realize they have been emotionally abused.

Emotional abuse is often overlooked or unrecognized as compared to physical or sexual forms of maltreatment. But it often coexists with other forms of abuse.

Emotional abuse has subtle patterns. No one enters a relationship knowing that they will be abused. But many victims think they can fix their abusers and that the abuser needs an understanding person that can help them correctly.

Alas, the abusers are masters of control, and once a victim is caught, it can be tough to break free from the abuser.

The abuser

I can assure you that you alone will NOT be able to “fix” the abuser. This is an impossible task for one person. The abuser has been mastering their manipulative and controlling skills for many years and has habits of mind that make it difficult for them to imagine being in a respectful and equal relationship with anyone.

The abuser is very aware of their behavior and can turn it off when it suits them; you can read more about this in Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That; Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.”

There may be underlying psychological disorders that are best left to a qualified professional to assist with.

Abuse often takes the form of a rotating cycle, where the abuse happens, and then things are better for a while, and the abuser apologizes and brings gifts, then abuse happens again.

Statistically, there are so many women and men caught in this emotional abuse trap that it is disheartening. Just one of the many examples Lundy Bandcroft uses in his book is a woman called Aysha.

Aysha talks about how Wendell abuses her, repeats himself, he swears constantly, and she cannot get a word in edgewise. She finally stands up for herself forcefully, and that is when he finally leaves.

So, you may ask, why does Wendell think Aysha is the one who has been doing all the yelling and complaining? “Because in his mind, she’s supposed to be listening, not talking.”

If she expresses herself at all, that is too much…. Abusers reduce their victims to inanimate objects.

Emotional abusers use abuse to control their victims with teasing, threats, aggressive demands or expectations, insults, criticism, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, and ignoring.

Lundy Bancroft, an expert that works with emotionally abusive men, states that “the great majority [of abusers] exhibit a subtle — though often quite pervasive — sense of superiority or contempt towards [their victims].”
Also, he states that many sexual and physical abuse survivors have stated that emotional abuse is more devastating and has longer-term effects than physical abuse.

Manipulation

In some ways manipulation is worse than overt abuse, especially when the two are mixed. Bancroft says, “When a woman gets called a ‘bitch’ or gets shoved or slapped, she at least knows what her partner did to her. But after an [emotionally abusive] manipulative interaction, she may have little idea what went wrong; she knows that she feels terrible, or crazy and that somehow it seems to be her own fault.”

In this country, we have laws against other forms of abuse; unfortunately, there are no laws against emotional abuse.

Many people feel trapped by their emotional abusers. They do not know how life would feel without fear, degradation, and constraint. Everyone has choices, but for those who are emotionally abused, choices are difficult to recognize in the moment or aftermath of abuse, leaving the victim to feel alone and isolated with little choice.

If you are always being controlled and manipulated, it does not feel like you have choices when you have been educated to believe that you have no power.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Steps to Healing

It may be difficult at first to assist an emotionally abused victim. They typically deny that they have been emotionally abused because they do not recognize the emotional trauma as abuse.

When someone tries to help the abused person, the helper might inadvertently say something that triggers the abused person’s past emotional abuse, which might deter them from receiving help.

Abused people usually have an overtly resistant strategy with others who seem threatening or powerful. If you know someone that has been emotionally abused, it is important not to discount their feelings and the emotions they have experienced, especially because their abuse is not recognized by others. This again leaves the victim feeling isolated and alone.

Research indicates that having just one supportive person can be the saving grace for anyone suffering from emotional abuse. Interviews with survivors indicate that the most important single survival factor was that each had at least one person who gave unconditional, positive regard, someone who thought well of them and made them feel important.

If you ever ask an emotional abuse survivor what helped them the most, their answer most likely will be “Someone to talk to, to listen to me, to believe me.”

Treatments for victims

One treatment for the emotionally abused is strength building techniques for building resilience. These would best be tailored to each person by discovering the person’s inherent strengths and then building upon them.

The focus should be on showing the abused person how to take time for themselves, raising their self-esteem, and learning how to be responsible for themselves.

Some tools that can help include pointing out how self-critical they are towards themselves. This can be done with gentle reflection. Begin to give more praise, focus on positive attributes — not the flaws.

Help the person work on self-acceptance and how to set reachable goals. Help them define themselves, gently stop comparing themselves to others, and understand how to stop seeing themselves in all-or-nothing terms. It is also important that they learn how to start nurturing themselves.

This intervention can help them take care of their body and promote the body’s ability to self heal by getting massages, manicures, and hugs. It is important to let them know that learning to empower themselves is a process and will continue to change and grow over time.

In the past, the emotionally abused person developed a reliance on the abuser to tell them how they are feeling, what they like, and what their worth and value is as a person. As the abused person learns to look internally instead of externally, their self-reliance gained will help them begin a journey of improvement.

Loss

Emotionally abused victims experience various forms of loss that may not be obvious, including a loss of spontaneity, loss of enthusiasm, a loss of how they come across to others, and the loss of being an important human being.

Victims also have a loss of self-confidence, loss of not being like others, loss of healthy relationships, an inability to come to conclusions, a loss of happiness and feeling safe, loss of being worthwhile, and the loss of knowing they have power over their own life.

All emotional wounds run deep, regardless of the timeline, which makes emotional abuse so much worse than physical abuse. Working to acknowledge the deep wounds and the subsequent grief from each loss can take considerable time. Helping them to uncover each loss within themselves is a lot of work.

Grieving

Part of the recovery process is the grieving of loss, and part of the grieving of loss is the recovery of the spirit. The person might realize they were never accepted by their mate [or parent] because of their overwhelming need to control and dominate.

Their grief would be an acknowledgment that a human need was not met — a value not attained. They could not feel this kind of loss — the loss of what they never had — unless their spirit knew its needs and rights.

In this sense, grief is the conscious acknowledgment and realization of what the spirit already knows.

Through grief, we consciously become aware of the value of the spirit, and by grieving the loss, we recover in such a way that we integrate that value. Then, we become more whole.

When the victim of verbal abuse realizes that they were not loved, only controlled, they grieve the lack of love because they know internally that they are lovable. Through that process, they gain the reality of self-esteem. They knows that they are worthy of love and respect.

Healing

A woman may never fully heal from the abuse she has experienced. But because she remembers and when she becomes empowered, she will not suffer the agony again. She will not be able to erase the wounds of abuse like pencil marks on the paper, but she will feel stronger from the scar tissue covering them.

Some milestones she may need to achieve include: fewer nightmares, less fear, increased self-confidence, greater skill in taking charge of her own affairs, feeling less of being a victim. And she will feel more of the strength of a survivor; enjoying life more with her family and friends, learning to laugh again, to have fun, play and spend time in nature. She may change from the rigidity of her previous life to the spontaneity of freedom, and feeling a kinship with all people who suffer.

Because it is difficult for the emotionally abused to articulate what has happened to them, it has taken many years for this concept to be brought forth to professionals that can help do something about it.

Fortunately, we know now that it is possible to define emotional abuse and the power differentials between the abuser and the emotionally abused. Now it is a matter of getting this information out to the public to prevent future generations from experiencing the effects of emotional abuse.

If you recognize any of this for yourself or someone else, please reach out to someone you trust and get help.

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About the Author

Kasara is educated as a Mental Health Therapist, Master Herbalist, Traditional Naturopath and Energy Worker with over 35 years of helping thousands of clients find alternative health options that work. She writes articles on Medium, and on her website http://truhealth.com. You may subscribe to her Medium account or her newsletter to stay connected.