How to Value Yourself
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with — Bob Wells
There is a real tragedy in the world right now of people not having value for themselves. It is obvious almost everyday in the media and in just talking to someone, the lack of value people show themselves.
The dictionary defines the word ‘value’ as “worth in usefulness or importance to the possessor”. The dictionary defines ‘importance’ as significance. So, value equals significance. So many people feel this insignificance; I see it every day with many of my customers.
Our society doesn’t give much recognition for having self-value. Young children are great at knowing and asking for what they want. Of course, they usually do it incessantly. They’re not yet concerned about appearing selfish.
But in our attempts to teach our children generosity and unselfishness, we sometimes make them feel guilty for staying true to their own needs. For most of us, this is when we first created our values for ourselves, our self-respect for ourselves, and the principles by which we judge ourselves from.
As grown-ups, we often choose to do things for others that we really don’t want to do because we fear being criticized as selfish or uncaring. Acting out of duty or obligation isn’t the answer. It usually leaves us feeling resentful inside — and then we bury these feelings.
As we grow up, this peeling away of our self-respect is expanded upon by people we admire, and from the billions of dollars of marketing being spent every year by companies who tell us we will not be complete as a person unless we have X.
Finally, what happens is we wake up one day and open our eyes to see that our internal values do not match the world around us. We see one thing mentally but feel another — it is no wonder we feel disconnected — we are!
We are disconnected from ourselves, and we have given up our power, we often no longer really feel anything. We have given it up to the television, who has laugh tracks for us, (in case we don’t know where to laugh), we have given it up to the medical doctors, most of who are so far from comprehending true health it is scary. And we often have given it up to our family and friends, who do everything from controlling us, take advantage of us, to not supporting us in our dreams.
So many things around us take little pieces of us constantly — making us feel more disconnected, lost, and devalued each time. Like anything else in life, if something comes at you in little bites, we often don’t see what is happening to us until it has done its damage.
What happens then is we start to live in fear. Fear of letting go of what we know, and fear of become who we really are.
One of the great struggles about being human is choosing a “how” to live that we feel is compatible with our ideas of why we live. Usually there is great conflict between our ideals and our impulses.
We want to be a kind loving person, but we also want to hurt the person who was just cruel to us. We want to care for the earth, but we also want convenience and comfort.
The language that we use in referring to our actions and our values is extremely revealing. When referring to acting in accord with our professed values and ideals, we speak in terms of sacrifice and cost. In speaking of those who do live up to these ideals, we talk of their courage and discipline.
If we see the world in these terms, is it any wonder that we make the choices that we do?
It is wonderful when we can define who we are. The problem enters with the very human characteristic of judgment. Ours is a personal judgment, and it can be based on truth or distortion, on reality or imagination. It can actually make us reject our very self.
When we judge and reject ourselves, we often destroy our sense of worth. This sense of worth is more than merely recognizing one’s positive qualities. It is an attitude of acceptance and non-judgment toward self and others.
Value and self-respect
Valuing yourself is not the way others see you; it is the way you see yourself. You are the only source of your significance. Therefore, you are the only person who has the power to make you feel good about you.
Valuing yourself is not the way others see you; it is the way you see yourself.
It is important that we are there for our families. But being there for others requires that we take excellent care of ourselves. We need to do those things that revitalize us and give us the energy and clarity to be supportive of others. From this space we can offer our best.
Each of us must be in our own company all of the time, no vacations or breaks… so we must do our best to create a person we like to be with 24/7.
This is best done by living in a body that is as stress free as we can make it, and also as healthy as can be physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is often challenging because of extreme stress, the fact that we put incredible demands on ourselves and also put other people’s guilt on ourselves, and then we carry them within our soul often causing this massive insignificance.
You have probably heard the old saying that tells us that to be loved, you must love yourself … well, it’s true, however, to know a logical and healthy phrase is one thing, but following it can be extremely difficult.
The good news is that you created that self-image; so now, you can re-evaluate yourself as an adult, with adult standards, and create a positive self-image.
Self-respect is a blend of internal confidence, external achievements, and compassion for yourself. Who is your inner critic — who’s voice is it? Is it yours; or one of your parents; a teacher, boss or friend? Is it time to change that voice to one that is loving and compassionate?
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself — Mark Twain
So, what can you do to help yourself feel significant?
First — you must understand yourself and how these issues apply in your life. How and why do you react the way you do. To help yourself understand this, it may help to ask yourself some questions:
What do you value most? Your children, your puppy, your house, your health, your happiness, your soul, etc.
Does your life reflect what you value most? How do you think you can change it so it does?
Whose values are you living by: yours or someone else’s? If you are living by someone else’s values, you are literally enslaving yourself — what kind of life is that! It is very seductive to fall into these traps — look around — are you in one?
Everyone carry’s a bag around with themselves: what is your bag filled with? Fear, guilt, happiness, forgiveness, pain, shame, etc.
What are your values? How do they match up to how you value yourself? Could that be a cause of why you don’t value yourself — do you not live up to your own values? Do you subconsciously set your values high, and then not live up to them, so that you can continue a pattern of feeling bad or worthless?
If you are like many people, you are more aware of your faults than your positive qualities. We often apply a negative label to ourselves that a more objective person would see with a different perception. Therefore, your negative characteristics can be evaluated differently when you change your perspective. How about the people who know you best; would they evaluate some of your traits differently than you do? Ask your friends and family to evaluate some of your traits for you — you may be pleasantly surprised.
Where do you place you on your list of priorities? Are you number one? Are you waiting for someone else to make you number one?
Look at your self-talk. Everyone has a critical inner voice. This voice often keeps a running, negative, commentary inside your mind that undermines self-worth. You must allow new, positive messages to replace the “shoulds,” “should nots,” and criticisms of your inner voice. For three days monitor your judgmental inner voice. Keep a list of at least ten negative attacks your inner voice makes daily. At the end of the day, read your list of criticisms. After each one, decide if the reprimand allows you to: Do something good or avoid something bad. You will see a pattern. Your inner voice often sets very high (impossible) standards of performance. This gives rise to perfectionism. It also helps you avoid the hurt of rejection as well as other negative aspects of life.
Remember — It is YOUR life and NO ONE else’s. Remember this!
We are not our illnesses. We are not broken. We are whole selves, and we reflect a unique and special person. No one else could replace us! We belong; every human has value and a right to survive. We were created for a reason, a purpose. We wouldn’t be here otherwise.
We belong as much as anyone else alive today does. If we are to view this world as it truly is — a macrocosm — then we would understand that we all have a place and purpose within it. We are all parts of a sum. If we get too consumed by the micro, we can’t experience the beauty and peace that exists in the macro. Remember you are just disconnected from yourself, when you get connected again, things will slowly start to click into place.
Second, it is important to accept ourselves as we are with all of our faults and all of our positive attributes as well. Remember we all make mistakes — A mistake is only a mistake after the fact. You may immediately be aware it was a mistake, such as when you tighten a nut one more turn and the bolt breaks. Or it may be weeks or years before you feel that a certain action was a mistake.
Most beliefs and rules are formed in response to needs and have nothing to do with reality. They are generated by parental, cultural, and peer expectations and by your need to feel loved, to belong, and to feel safe and good about yourself.
Having kindness for yourself allows you to forgive your mistakes and preserve your self-respect. Kindness also allows you to put unreasonable values and rules in perspective.
Values and beliefs in our mind appear as ‘shoulds’. When you are convinced of the truth of a should, and forced to choose between should and desire, you sometimes choose desire. Then you torture yourself with feelings of guilt.
It is not selfish to put yourself number one on your list. Rather, it is an indication of valuing yourself.
Compassion and forgiveness
Compassion is at the core of valuing yourself. It is a skill that takes time to acquire and improve upon. Treat yourself, as you would want someone else to treat you. Some people treat themselves worse than they would their animals or even their car.
When you have kindness for yourself, you understand and accept yourself. If you make a mistake, you forgive yourself. When you learn to feel empathy for yourself, you begin exposing your sense of worth to yourself.
One exercise you can try is to think of yourself as having little child inside. If you were a little child, you would show love and understanding towards that child. Loving self-talk can wash away the sediment of hurt and rejection that may have covered your innate self-acceptance for years.
Finally, we need to forgive. We need to forgive those that have hurt us, and more importantly ourselves. One book that explains this in very basic terms is Karol Truman’s Healing Feelings from the Heart. In Chapter’s 16 and 17 she explains how to forgive others.
Forgiving means you let go of an incident of the past without dwelling on it or making yourself feel miserable all over again. Forgiving does not mean you approve; it merely means that you have decided not to carry that pain around with you anymore. Until you forgive, you will never be able to accept into your life your true value, your true worth.
When you fully believe in yourself and your value, an attack on your person becomes unacceptable. You’ll feel determined, strong, and clear in response to the little, everyday intrusions, as well as to an attempted attack. You’ll no longer think of that emotional and physical hurt as a given, as a fact of life that you must put up with.
You can stand up for yourself in ways that will transform your life. Having powerful and positive beliefs will help keep you safe. It will, of course, also enhance your life moment by moment.
Once you do this, I am sure you will find that others will respect you more for valuing yourself. Think about the people you know who always say yes to everything and everybody. Do you respect them?
Now think of those who are selfish and self-respecting enough to not try to please everyone. Do you think less of them? I don’t. They may not do all the things that I would like them to do, but I respect them. What I’ve found is that people tend to treat you about as well as you treat yourself. When you value yourself, people tend to value YOU more.
Tools to help you
There are some tools that you can use to help yourself during this healing process. Be sure to exercise, drink quality water, and get the correct nutrition/optimum diet for yourself. Also, you may find flower remedies and essential oils are also helpful in helping support you in your goals to achieve optimum value for yourself.
Some flower remedies that you may find useful are Centaury, Hornbeam, Larch, Mimulus, Mustard, Pine and Walnut.
Some essential oils that you may benefit from are Bergamot, Cinnamon, Eucalyptus, Frankincense, Geranium, Jasmine, Neroli, Wild Oregano, and Sandalwood. Check with your health professional to find the best mixture for your situation.
We are only ourselves to the extent that we live our ideals and values. Every betrayal of those values is another betrayal of ourselves, another wound that over time leads to the murder of the person we wished to be. This is the “cost,” the “sacrifice” we make when we do not act in accord with our values. A far greater cost than any other, for by living our values we will die being who we are.
When we betray those values, who we are dies long before our body does.
All right, it sounds good and logical but don’t be fooled, this is not easy for most people. The mentally ill and even those who do not suffer from a mood disorder alike, cannot find their way to achieving what it takes to be self assured, happy and confident.
Many cannot get past the masks of true feelings like hate, guilt and fear… it is a huge obstacle to overcome for many people. I know that this can be very challenging for some people, but I guarantee you that if you take some baby steps, you will see changes, and if you do nothing, nothing will ever change.
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” M. Scott Peck
About the Author
Kasara is educated as a Mental Health Therapist, Master Herbalist, Traditional Naturopath and Energy Worker with over 35 years of helping thousands of clients find alternative health options that work. She writes articles on Medium, and on her website Truhealth.com. You may subscribe to her Medium account or her newsletter to stay connected.