Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with - Bob
Wells
In today’s material society, we put value on everything we own;
but do we value ourselves? I don’t believe so, and it’s a
tragedy.
The media and our own self talk show the diminished value people have
for themselves. The dictionary defines the word value as worth in usefulness
or importance to the possessor. The dictionary defines importance as
significance. So value equals significance. Many people feel this insignificance;
I see it every day with many of my customers.
Our lacking self-value begins in childhood. Not yet concerned about appearing
selfish, young children know and ask incessantly for what they want.
But in our attempts to teach them generosity and unselfishness, we sometimes
make them feel guilty for staying true to their own needs, influencing
their self values, self-respect and the principles by which they judge
themselves.
As we grow up, our negative self-respect is expanded upon by people we
admire, and by companies marketing products that, according to them,
we will not be complete without.
As grown-ups, we often choose to do things for others that we really
don’t want to do because we fear being criticized as selfish or
uncaring. Acting out of duty or obligation leaves us feeling resentful
inside, and we bury these feelings.
Finally, we wake up one day, feeling disconnected from ourselves and
we have given up our power, we often no longer really feel anything.
We have given it up to the television, that has laugh tracks for us;
we have given it up to the medical doctors, who because of time constraints
and education sometimes no longer treat the whole patient (spiritually,
emotionally and physically), and we often have given it up to our family
and friends, who, with the best intentions, control us most of the time,
take advantage of us and send us negative messages about our dreams.
We are consistently eaten away, little pieces at a time, making us feel
more disconnected, lost and devalued.
When negativity comes at us in little bites,
we often don’t see
what is happening to us until it has done its damage. Then we start to
live in fear. Fear to let go of what we know, and fear to become who
we really are.
This leads to one of the great struggles about being human—choosing
how to live a life that is compatible with our ideas of why we live.
Usually there is great conflict between our ideals and our impulses.
We want to be a kind loving person, but we also want to hurt the person
who was just cruel to us. We want to care for the earth, but we also
want convenience and comfort.
We are in our own company all of the time, no vacations or breaks, so
we must do our best to create a person we like to be with 24/7. If we
were able to live in a stress-free body that is as physically, emotionally
and spiritually healthy as we can make it, we could achieve this. However,
because extreme stress, incredible demands that are self-imposed and
guilt messages, are imbedded within our soul and cause massive insignificance,
this goal is difficult.
Valuing yourself is not the way others see you; it is the way you see
yourself. You are the only source of your significance. Therefore, you
are the only person who has the power to make you feel good about you.
The good news is that you created that self-image; so now, you can re-evaluate
yourself as an adult, with adult standards, and create a positive self-image.
Self-respect is a blend of internal confidence, external achievements,
and compassion for yourself.
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself - Mark
Twain So what can you do to help yourself feel significant?
First – you must understand yourself and
how your goals apply in your life. How and why do you react the way
you do. These thought
provoking questions will help:
1. What do you value most? Your children, your puppy, your house, your
health, your happiness, your soul, etc.
2. Does your life reflect what you value most? How do you think you
can change it so it does?
3. Whose values are you living by: yours or
someone else’s? If
you are living by someone else’s values, you are literally enslaving
yourself.
4. Everyone carries a bag around. What is your bag filled with? Fear,
guilt, happiness, forgiveness, pain, shame, etc. Is it time to change
what your bag is filled with?
5. What are your values? How do they match up
to how you value yourself? Could that be a cause of why you don’t value yourself – do
you not live up to your own values? Do you subconsciously set your values
high, and then not live up to them, so that you can continue a pattern
of feeling bad or worthless?
6. If you are like many people, you are more
aware of your faults than your positive qualities. We often apply a
negative label to ourselves
that a more objective person would see with a different perception. How
about the people who know you best; would they evaluate some of your
traits differently than you do? Ask your friends and family to evaluate
some of your traits for you – you may be pleasantly surprised.
7. Where do you place you on your list of priorities? Are you number
one? Are you waiting for someone else to make you number one?
8. Let's look at self-talk. Everyone has a critical inner voice. This
voice is often an ongoing, negative commentary inside your mind that
undermines self-worth. You must replace the criticisms of your inner
voice with new, positive messages. Monitor your judgmental inner voice
for three days. Keep a list of at least ten negative attacks your inner
voice makes daily. At the end of the day, read your list of criticisms.
After each one, decide if the reprimand allows you to do something good
or avoid something bad. You will see a pattern. Your inner voice often
sets very high (impossible) standards of performance. This gives rise
to perfectionism. It also helps you avoid the hurt of rejection as well
as other negative aspects of life.
Remember - It is YOUR life
and NO ONE else’s. We are not our illnesses.
We are not broken. No one else can replace us! We belong; every human
has value and a right to survive. We were created for a reason, a purpose.
We wouldn’t be here otherwise. Remember you are just disconnected
from yourself, when you get connected again, things will slowly start
to click into place.
Second, it is important to accept ourselves as we are with all of our
faults and positive attributes. We all make mistakes. A mistake is only
a mistake after the fact.
Also a mistake is relative to our perception. Most beliefs and rules
are formed in response to needs and have nothing to do with reality.
They are generated by parental, cultural, and peer expectations and by
your need to feel loved, to belong, and to feel safe and good about yourself.
Having kindness for yourself allows you to forgive your mistakes and
preserve your self-respect.
Values and beliefs in our mind appear as "shoulds." When you
are convinced of the truth of a "should,” and forced to choose
between "should" and "desire," you sometimes choose
desire. Then you torture yourself with feelings of guilt. It is not selfish
to put yourself number one on your list. Rather, it is an indication
of valuing yourself. Remember what they say on the airplane – put
your mask on first, before helping others.
Compassion, a skill that takes time to acquire and improve upon, is at
the core of valuing yourself. Treat yourself, as you would want someone
else to treat you. When you have kindness for yourself, you understand
and accept yourself. If you make a mistake, you forgive yourself. When
you learn to feel empathy for yourself, you begin exposing your sense
of worth to yourself. Loving self-talk can wash away the sediment of
hurt and rejection that may have covered your innate self-acceptance
for years.
Finally we need to forgive. We need to forgive those that have hurt us,
and more importantly ourselves. One book that explains this in very basic
terms is Karol Truman’s Healing Feelings from the Heart. In Chapters
16 and 17 she explains how to forgive others. Forgiving means you let
go of a past incident without dwelling on it or making yourself feel
miserable all over again. Forgiving does not mean you approve; it merely
means that you have decided not to carry that pain around with you anymore.
Until you forgive, you will never be able to accept into your life your
true value, your true worth.
When you fully believe in yourself and your value, an attack on your
person becomes unacceptable. You'll feel determined, strong and clear
in response to the little, everyday intrusions, as well as to an attempted
attack. You can stand up for yourself in ways that will transform your
life. Having powerful and positive beliefs will help keep you safe and
enhance your life.
Also, you will find that others will respect you more for valuing yourself,
because people tend to treat you about as well as you treat yourself.
When you value yourself, people tend to value YOU more.
Additional Tools Here are additional tools you can use during the healing process:
Be sure to exercise, drink quality water, and get the correct supplements
from your health professional in addition to the optimum diet for yourself.
Flower remedies and essential oils are also helpful. Some flower remedies
that you may find useful include Centaury, Hornbeam, Larch, Mimulus,
Mustard, Pine and Walnut. Some essential oils that you may benefit from
are: Bergamot, Cinnamon, Eucalyptus, Frankincense, Geranium, Jasmine,
Neroli, Wild Oregano, and Sandalwood. Check with your health professional
to find the best mixture for your situation.
Remember we are only ourselves to the extent
that we live our ideals and values. Every betrayal of those values
is another betrayal of ourselves,
another wound that over time leads to the murder of the person we wished
to be. This is the "cost," the "sacrifice" we make
when we do not act in accord with our values.
This sounds good and logical but don't be fooled,
its not easy because we have to get past the masks of true feelings
like hate, guilt and fear.
I know that this can be challenging, but if you take baby steps, you
will see changes, and if you do nothing, nothing will ever change.
“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you
value your time, you will not do anything with it." M. Scott Peck
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